The Fog

Last Tuesday, it was really foggy.  I couldn't even see far enough to navigate in my own neighborhood.  The neighborhood that I drive in every day, at least twice a day.  Fog is strange.  It sort of, suspends you in time, space.  You can't see in front of you and you can't or are too scared to look back.  You are stuck in the present and just have to hope that you don't make the wrong move.
It feels foggy again today, for the third day in a row.  This weekend has been a blur.  I don't even know where to start.  Everything was going fine.  Almost 4 weeks ago, a day before my husband's birthday, we found out we were expecting again.  Happy early birthday hubby!  We were thrilled.  The Chinese gender chart said we were going to have a boy.  It's never wrong, we started preparing ourselves for having two boys and expanding our family.  We had told a few people but neither of us seemed as scared to share the news as we were the first time, as I was the first time.
The pain started shortly after I found out, but it wasn't terrible.  I could take something and get along with my day.  I was much more tired this time around, but I was also running after a 10 month old now.  This past Friday, early morning, I woke up to severe cramping and started bleeding shortly after.  I immediately feared the worst and started counting down the minutes until my doctor's office would open.  I couldn't stop crying.  Is this really happening?  I'm a statistic now.  What did I do wrong?  Is it because I had been traveling so much?  Because I had been taking medication for the pain?  The questions never stopped, they still don't.
Once I got to the doctor, my worst fear was confirmed when the tech performed the ultrasound.  There is no baby.  The tech was very calm and apologized.  She gave me some tissues and had me get dressed and wait for my doctor, who was in surgery with another patient.  I was alone.  I came to the office by myself so that I could react the way that I felt I needed to and not worry about anyone else and hiding my true response.  The sadness was overwhelming but I was trying to keep it together.  Shortly, my husband was on his way and so was my mom.
When the doctor came in, the appointment took a quick turn.  During the ultrasound they couldn't find my left ovary due to a large mass and it needed to be removed immediately.  I had to have emergency surgery, like now.  My gears quickly shifted and there were many other possibilities of what could happen; I was having an ectopic pregnancy, my fallopian tube had to be removed, my ovary had to be removed, I had a large blood filled cyst, I had a miscarriage. The fog was descending.  What the hell is happening?  My body was betraying me. "That would explain the pain," the doctor said.  The cyst had to be removed and she would also explore why there was no sac, no baby.  I had either already "passed" him or he was in the wrong place.
After the surgery, I was told that the cyst was the size of an orange and probably was taking all the hormones and nutrients that the embryo needed to survive.  We are still waiting on the pathology to find out what exactly happened but we do know that I didn't have an ectopic pregnancy and they didn't need to remove anything other than the cyst.  This is a relief but it doesn't change the fact that I'm not pregnant anymore.  Our family isn't growing at this time.
Last night, the sadness started coming back.  Due to my surgery, it hurt to cry.  It doesn't today.  I know it could have been a lot worse, I could have been farther along.  I was 7 weeks and 5 days to be exact.  For now, I'm just trying to get through, be pleasant and not angry.  Mostly, I'm just sad.  Random things remind me of the loss.  We had already been talking about names and how our lives were going to change. Now, it's just gone.  Suddenly, just like that.  Writing helps but I know it's not going to make it disappear.
I'll just keep waiting for the sun to come out each day and burn off the fog.  The sun has a name, and he's the sweetest little boy I've ever met.  He turns 1 year in exactly 25 days.

Spring has Sprung

Perfect backyard (courtesy of Pinterest)

It's so weird. Now that I'm working, when I actually have a minute to blog, I can't think of anything to blog about. My poor little babe is really sick but I don't want to think about that right now. I want to think about something that makes me happy. Spring! Holy cow, spring is pretty much here. It's supposed to be 70 degrees this week! What the? This is awesome and this past winter had to be the lamest ever. I mean that in a good way and am not complaining one bit. It was nice not busting my ass on the ice for once!
Spring means a few things in my house...
SHORTS! My husband loves shorts. He is always hot and seems to much rather wear shorts than jeans. Me, on the other hand, I pretty much wouldn't be caught dead in shorts. At least not in this country. Vacation is another story. We also have so many pairs of shorts for my little guy that were gifted from my sister.
MY BIRTHDAY! I used to be more excited about this but it's still a good time. I get an extra day off from my company to celebrate. That's a great gift if you ask me.
THE INDY 500! We love Indy Car Racing. Last year I was pregnant and still went. Biggest mistake of my life! The stars certainly were not aligned for that to have been a success. I won't dwell but I was a huge bitch. Sorry guys! I promise I'll make it up to you.
POOLSIDE! I love me some pool time. I wish there was a pool in my neighborhood, but alas, there isn't. Luckily, my sister lives super close and there is a pool in hers. Last summer, she loaned me the key and I went there a few times with my big old pregnant belly and a book. There really is nothing better. I can't wait to take my buddy there. He loves bath time, so I assume he will be a water baby like me!
FLOWERS! I actually planted some tulips this past fall and I can't wait to see how they look. We also have a lilac tree that I can't wait to bloom. My mom gave that to use last year and due to the shock of the move, we didn't see any blooms.
DRESSES! With no tights of course! Now, my substitute for shorts is a cute dress or skirt. I know this doesn't make much sense but I just love them!
COOKOUTS! Any excuse for a get together. I feel that there are so many friends that we haven't seen in a very long while. I've tried! Now that we are all starting to have children, or getting married or just plain busy, it's hard to coordinate the time and have it work for everyone's schedules.
RENEWAL! There is just something about this season that brings on a fresh start. The theme of rebirth is universal. It's also a great excuse to clean the house.