Last Tuesday, it was really foggy. I couldn't even see far enough to navigate in my own neighborhood. The neighborhood that I drive in every day, at least twice a day. Fog is strange. It sort of, suspends you in time, space. You can't see in front of you and you can't or are too scared to look back. You are stuck in the present and just have to hope that you don't make the wrong move.
It feels foggy again today, for the third day in a row. This weekend has been a blur. I don't even know where to start. Everything was going fine. Almost 4 weeks ago, a day before my husband's birthday, we found out we were expecting again. Happy early birthday hubby! We were thrilled. The Chinese gender chart said we were going to have a boy. It's never wrong, we started preparing ourselves for having two boys and expanding our family. We had told a few people but neither of us seemed as scared to share the news as we were the first time, as I was the first time.
The pain started shortly after I found out, but it wasn't terrible. I could take something and get along with my day. I was much more tired this time around, but I was also running after a 10 month old now. This past Friday, early morning, I woke up to severe cramping and started bleeding shortly after. I immediately feared the worst and started counting down the minutes until my doctor's office would open. I couldn't stop crying. Is this really happening? I'm a statistic now. What did I do wrong? Is it because I had been traveling so much? Because I had been taking medication for the pain? The questions never stopped, they still don't.
Once I got to the doctor, my worst fear was confirmed when the tech performed the ultrasound. There is no baby. The tech was very calm and apologized. She gave me some tissues and had me get dressed and wait for my doctor, who was in surgery with another patient. I was alone. I came to the office by myself so that I could react the way that I felt I needed to and not worry about anyone else and hiding my true response. The sadness was overwhelming but I was trying to keep it together. Shortly, my husband was on his way and so was my mom.
When the doctor came in, the appointment took a quick turn. During the ultrasound they couldn't find my left ovary due to a large mass and it needed to be removed immediately. I had to have emergency surgery, like now. My gears quickly shifted and there were many other possibilities of what could happen; I was having an ectopic pregnancy, my fallopian tube had to be removed, my ovary had to be removed, I had a large blood filled cyst, I had a miscarriage. The fog was descending. What the hell is happening? My body was betraying me. "That would explain the pain," the doctor said. The cyst had to be removed and she would also explore why there was no sac, no baby. I had either already "passed" him or he was in the wrong place.
After the surgery, I was told that the cyst was the size of an orange and probably was taking all the hormones and nutrients that the embryo needed to survive. We are still waiting on the pathology to find out what exactly happened but we do know that I didn't have an ectopic pregnancy and they didn't need to remove anything other than the cyst. This is a relief but it doesn't change the fact that I'm not pregnant anymore. Our family isn't growing at this time.
Last night, the sadness started coming back. Due to my surgery, it hurt to cry. It doesn't today. I know it could have been a lot worse, I could have been farther along. I was 7 weeks and 5 days to be exact. For now, I'm just trying to get through, be pleasant and not angry. Mostly, I'm just sad. Random things remind me of the loss. We had already been talking about names and how our lives were going to change. Now, it's just gone. Suddenly, just like that. Writing helps but I know it's not going to make it disappear.
I'll just keep waiting for the sun to come out each day and burn off the fog. The sun has a name, and he's the sweetest little boy I've ever met. He turns 1 year in exactly 25 days.
I wish I could say that the pain wanes and you just move on. In my case, I learned to live with the pain. Reading "Heaven is for Real" helped me a lot, as it explained to me that I have a baby in Heaven, waiting to meet me. I like to imagine her being cared for by Mammaw. Even with all the pain that I have with my miscarriage, I wouldn't change it. If I hadn't of miscarried, I wouldn't have Gideon or Gunnar. The only condolence that helped me, is God's Plan is perfect. I was mad at God for a very long time after my loss. Now, I can see a different side of it all and I accept that Mammaw is raising my lil one, until I get there. I love you very much and will continue to pray for your health and may peace be with you.
ReplyDeleteThank you Jackie. I know that this is the best but I'm still so sad. It won't always be this hard but I keep forgetting and when I remember, that's when it's the hardest. Thank you for always being there for me and it's amazing how our lives kind of parallel each other although we are miles away. I love you and thank you for your strength and wisdom.
ReplyDeleteRenee - I am so sorry to hear of your miscarriage. This brings back so many memories for me. I know exactly what you are feeling and going through. When i had my first miscarriage, a very wonderful nurse came to my room at night and asked if she could talk with me for a little while. Through my tears, I said yes. She told me that she knew that I would probably not able to accept or hear all the words that she wanted to share with me, but, she was down at the nurse's station and felt called to come to talk with me. She explained that my baby had died not because of anything that I had done, that I could have prevented or even predicted so I could have caused it not to happen. She told me that God loves all little children. She also told me that she believes that when a miscarriage happens it is His way of taking home a sick child so He can care for him or her because there is no sickness in heaven. She also said then these children become His angels for other children. Although I was hurting so terribly bad, the image of my little one becoming whole and healed and being an angel for another child gave me chills and I said Thank You Lord for your miracles. I will tell you the pain still hurt, but it hurt so much less. God will give you the strength to get through this time and you will be strong again. Let your body heal and know that you have a little angel who is happy and whole in heaven! I love you!
ReplyDelete