Postpartum Depression

I was not looking forward to the fact that I would probably go past my due date. Every day that passed with no babe was annoying to put it best. Towards the end of my pregnancy, I had to deal with some possible complications. I was struggling with borderline preeclampsia, I was super swollen and we thought that I was having a rather large little boy. My doctor was bringing up the possibility of being induced which was definitely not a part of my birth plan. I wanted to try and have my son naturally but being induced would make that highly unlikely. My water broke early on Monday morning, 3:30 am to be exact. My contractions started almost immediately. I was very calm and there was no drama. I could go on about all of the complications we experienced during labor but will spare you. After 22 hours and an epidural later, my gorgeous son was finally here!

Being in the hospital made everything so easy. The nurses and staff were very nice to me and my husband. The first night, baby stayed with us. After that, I took my friends’ advice and had my son cared for in the nursery overnight, really it only ended up being about 3-4 hours due to nursing. It felt strange to send him away but I was exhausted. Because my son was born at 1:30 on Tuesday morning we didn’t get discharged until Friday morning. There also were some jaundice issues that we had to deal with but we were thankful that there were no required visits to the NICU. It felt like we were there forever and we were ready to get home. During the daylight hours, everything was perfect. We had everything we needed, our family was now complete. Then, the sun sets.

You always hear how joyous having a child is, but no one really warns you how hard it is. I personally, never wanted to hear the negatives or have someone tell me how hard it was. Looking back, I don’t really know that it matters either way because nothing really prepares you for what is to come. The first night was obviously very hard, it is for everyone. I’ve never felt so much pressure in my life. The only thing I was sure of was that I wanted to break down and cry. And that I did. It was uncontrollable. At the time I was against co-sleeping and was nursing. My little guy wanted to eat every hour, so I got about two hours of sleep and that is being generous. When daylight finally came, I was relieved that the night was over. It was like there was hope again. Slowly, that started to fade and I was left feeling unsure about what I was doing. I thought that everything would just come so naturally, immediately. It didn’t for a minute…or two. Sleep deprivation made everything almost dire and desperate. One minute, I was so happy, staring at this beautiful baby boy, wondering how I’d gotten so lucky. The next, I was in tears, wishing for someone to come rescue me. I didn’t really want visitors whom I’d have to entertain. Selfishly, I loved when friends would bring us dinner or offer to clean. In reality, I just needed a break, from myself. Some people may not ever feel this way and I certainly don’t now, but it’s very isolating. I won’t bore you with any more details but I was definitely suffering from a little postpartum depression. It was different than I’d expected, not as dramatic as the horror stories you hear on television, thank God. I was trying so hard to have everything together; react to my crying son within 5 seconds, keep a clean house, bathe daily (this was one that I HAD to do), pump, continue attempting to breastfeed, laundry, take care of a dog, eat, and sleep.

With time and lots of support, I got through it. I’d realized that I was putting way too much pressure on myself to be perfect. Parenthood is never perfect. It’s different for everyone, so by me trying to do what I’d thought worked for everyone else, it really just made it worse. Looking back, it wasn’t so bad. In fact, I’m ready to do it all over again. In the moment, it just seems like there is no way out and you are the worst mommy ever but I made it through and couldn’t ask for a better life or family. Now, if I could just get a cleaning lady….

Night Terrors

I feel like I’ve been neglecting my blog lately! Really, I just have so much that I want to write about but can’t seem to get it down on “paper.” I haven’t had much time because my little guy has been having a rough week. As of Monday night, he’s had a cold; mostly just congestion, no fever. Tuesday, we had his 4 month well check and he received his second round of shots. He did much better coping after these shots were administered compared to the first at his two month appointment, as did I. I was so proud of him! He only cried for 30-60 seconds. I’m sure that’s some sort of record. It also doesn’t hurt when mommy’s monster boob is coming toward you to calm you down by nursing! I can tell you that I was a little pissed when the nurses came in and said “Oh, E is a BOY?” Um, excuse me, yes HE is. She excused herself and had to get different band aids. Anyways, we stayed home all day on Tuesday and he still had a rough night. Wednesday, we ran a few errands and he seemed to have a better night. His congestion also started clearing up. So, yesterday we went to Target in the morning, nothing major but I can’t help but wonder if we should have stayed home.

He was great, as usual, but didn’t sleep like he normally does in the BabyBjorn while we were there. He slept for about 15 minutes in his car seat on the way home and then I fed him, thinking he would fall right back to sleep. I wasn’t so lucky. He then proceeded to fight sleep the entire afternoon and nothing would soothe him. I tried everything, our bed, the Moby wrap, his crib, my arms but nothing got him to sleep. He wasn’t crying the whole time, mostly just fussy with red eyes that he kept rubbing. I’m sure all moms can relate to the post vaccination ickies, but it gets worse. I decided to give him a little Tylenol because he seemed uncomfortable and not like himself, placed him his swing and started to cook dinner. He played for about 30 minutes and then Spongebob came on the TV. I was frantic cutting up raw chicken. I wanted to change the channel so he didn’t get ADD or something like that study preached about. When I looked up, he was asleep! Praise Spngebob! I’m starting to like this guy. After 30 minutes though, he was awake in a manner I was all too familiar.

Now, my son has done this many times before but not lately. The doctor’s haven’t really offered us an explanation except that it’s part of his sleep cycle. Awesome. You’ll agree once I explain. It almost always happens after about 20 minutes or 2 hours of sleep. He will be sound asleep and in the blink of an eye, he will immediately start crying. This cry isn’t the normal cry though, he is screaming crying. His eyes are open but he doesn’t see you. It’s almost like he can’t even hear you. Nothing will bring him down, nothing. It’s excruciating and frustrating at the same time. My mom and sister have witnessed it before but had never seen anything like this before.

As you can imagine, I thought to myself DAMN, 30 minutes, really? I considered letting him fuss himself back to sleep but soon realized that he hadn’t just woken up, he was having an episode. This time the episode lasted 15 minutes. I finally got him to calm down by stripping him into just his diaper and laying him down on the cold changing mat. He was soon calm enough and started playing. Once he was fussy again, I decided it was time for bed. I knew he wouldn’t fight it then.

After his nightly routine and bottle with rice cereal, he went right to sleep. Poor thing, he was just so tired. I didn’t dare put him down for the fear that he would wake up. Once my husband got home, I got a break and was able to eat dinner. Then, baby woke up. The episode lasted 5 minutes. When he stopped screaming, he was asleep! What the!? Did he ever even really wake up? About 20 minutes later, it happened again. When he stopped, again he was sound asleep, like he never made a peep. My son also rubs his right ear when he’s almost asleep. I’m always worrying about it, but according to the doctor nothing is wrong. At this point, I’m convinced something is seriously wrong with my baby. This is not normal. Are we doing something we shouldn’t be? Is this my punishment for co-sleeping, shouldn’t he be happy in our room? If not, what is the point? I can’t stop crying. My husband swears our baby is having night terrors. I refuse to believe that my happy, healthy baby boy can have night terrors at this young age. I feel hopeless and I advise my husband to do the unthinkable, research on-line. If you know me, you know that I rarely ever do this. I feel that if you aren’t worried about something before, you will be once you Google it, but I need reassurance.

Sure enough, he finds posts on Yahoo from moms just noting how different each one of their children are from one another. This is enough to ease his mind. Not me. I do searches on Babycenter and find that my husband is right. Our son is having night terrors. They say that these are often caused by lack of sleep, but the majority of children who have them are toddlers. One point they make is to not wake them up. What?! We always try to wake him up! Oh great, have I just been making it worse? I find out that I’m just supposed to let it run its course and make sure he isn’t in danger or harming himself. When I hear that I need to make sure he isn’t harming himself, the only thing that comes to mind is an exorcism. I know it could be worse but this is terrible! I try coming to terms that this may not ever go away. I can’t find any other possibilities though. As I’ve mentioned before, my husband suffered from night terrors as a child. He’s asked his mom before and she doesn’t’ recall him having any issues until he was older. After reading the on-line articles, I’m kind of relieved because I’m not alone. My son isn’t the first and now I know what to ask my doctor about. Has anyone else out there dealt with this? Any suggestions on how to cope?

A few of my Favorite Things: Baby Edition Continued

The Fisher-Price Luv U Zoo Deluxe Musical Mobile Gym has been great. This was a gift off my registry from my grandparents. It was carried at multiple places but was cheapest at Target. My son loves it! The mat has helped him learn to roll over and he even pulls himself up by gripping on some of the toys. There are different options of music and the toys are interchangeable. It also keeps him occupied if I need to do something around the house.

These seem really basic but my son could play with these for hours. We have toys attached to the ring a links but more often than not, he just plays with them. They are so inexpensive (only $3.99!) and have multiple uses. Because they are plastic, he can even take them with him in the tub! There are different brands but we have the Infantino kind from BabiesRus.

My son isn't quite walking yet, but loves to be in standing position and even puts weight on his legs. With the Kolcraft Step Starter 2-in-1 Walker, his feet don't actually touch the ground yet, just his tip toes, but he loves this. It was another gift from my registry (thanks Aunt M!)and I honestly didn't think that I would use it for a while. I can only leave him in it for about 10 minutes until he just sits back and watches the television. It's reasonably priced and can be stored flat when not in use.

This is the Fisher-Price Lil Lamb Dream Swing from Target. It has a few different swing options, front to back or side to side. There is a mobile, music and a lap tray that you can attach other toys to. The seat also has two positions, an upright sitting position and one that lays back. When we first put our son in this swing, the chair was in the upright position. We couldn't even turn on the swing because it looked like he was getting whiplash! My sister then informed me to just adjust the seat. OOPS! She has also educated me on adjusting a few other things that my son has originally seemed to hate. Gotta love her and gotta love my mom for purchasing this for us. These seem to be hit or miss for certain children. One of our friends had one similar and their daughter hated it. However, she loved another one at their friends house. This would be a perfect item to buy from Once Upon a Child or another second hand store because they can be a little pricy.