Anticipation

“Pregnant.” Thank God I didn’t get the tests with the lines.  This way, there is no question, but could this be true?  After ONE month of not preventing, am I really expecting?  This just doesn’t happen. It was supposed to be hard for me to get pregnant, with the cancerous cells, the procedures, the endometriosis, the polycystic ovarian syndrome.  But there it was, the silver lining.  No, this was way better, it was gold.

Those first few months are the best and the scariest.   I was so excited to be expecting.  My lifestyle changed immediately.  No more drinking, sushi, cookie dough, cold cut sandwiches, advil, skydiving, etc.  Ok, so I wasn’t really planning on skydiving anyway, but this was a perfect excuse!   My body took a while to expose my secret, but I couldn’t wait to see that bump.  I luckily didn’t experience morning sickness or anything of that sort, so I needed to see it to make it feel real.  Shortly after that, my excitement turned to worry and until the 18-20 week ultrasound, it was almost uncontrollable.  Never before does everything you do have such an impact.  I really had to rely on faith to get me through until I could see that my baby’s development was right on track.  Even after the ultrasound reassured me that everything was looking good, I still couldn’t help but worry.  I started to think, “I can’t wait to have this little boy, so that I can see with my own eyes, everyday, that he is just fine.” 

I’ve never been so wrong in my life.  My mom has told me that you never stop worrying about your children, no matter what age.  Only the topic or source of worry actually changes.  That first night home, once I stopped worrying about putting him down, then I had to worry about taking my eyes off him, let alone closing my eyes to actually sleep!  Once I stopped worrying about that, I started worrying about if he was getting enough food, was he cold/hot?  Does he know that I love him more than life itself?  What about his nails? Our friends told us they accidentally cut their son’s finger.  Would I do that too (unfortunately, yes, I did and it was devastating)?  It’s a vicious cycle!    Having my son has definitely brought me closer to my faith in God.  It was hard relinquishing control over something so precious, but having faith that He will do what’s best for me and my family has been imperative.  Let me tell you, I am a bit of a control freak, so this one was an emotional adjustment.

The bottom line is this, no matter what your religion and no matter what your beliefs, having a baby can really change your perspective on life.  It’s so important to have faith in something, anything.  Have faith that you are doing the best you can.  Know that if adversity happens, you can get through it and it’s not your fault.  Also know that it really does take a village and call a friend or family member.  There are also great groups out there that offer support for all sorts of issues that women face.  I can assure you that although each pregnancy is unique for each one of us, we are not the first or only and will certainly not be the last.  

Words to live by...