Sleep. Who needs it...

Lately, I’ve been struggling to get my little guy to sleep in his room.  He is four months tomorrow and for a while now, my husband has slept in the guest room because baby boy sleeps with me.  We’ve tried all different methods to get him in there and they just don’t seem to work for him. Tried him in the crib, tried to let him cry it out, tried him in the co-sleeper attached to the bed, tried swaddling him in the co-sleeper  and he just ends up back in the bed with me.  My husband tells me it’s because he loves me so much, he doesn’t want to be apart.  I’ve been ready to have my bed back for about a month now and the every two hour feedings don’t help.  The problem is that he cries, I mean screams, and gets himself so worked up that he’s inconsolable.  At first, he would randomly do this during a nap or two, but now he does it almost every time he sleeps.  It lasts from 2-5 minutes and always breaks my heart.  We’ve taken him to the doctor and he’s in terrific health.  She told us that it’s his sleep pattern.  Um, no thank you.  Last night, after sleeping for an hour, he woke up crying.  After 3 minutes, I had to lay him down and walk away.  My husband tried to console him. Then, I tried again.  He finally stopped and was asleep within 30 seconds.  What the hell? 
Today, I sit here a little tired and I log on to Facebook.  A friend of mine from grade school has updated her status with a link to her niece’s caringbridge page.  Carmela is a beautiful 1^st grader who has diffuse intrinsic pontine glioma, cancer caused by a tumor in her brain stem.  She was diagnosed a year ago and her mother writes about her battle regularly on her caringbride page.  Now that I have a child (really, ever since the positive pregnancy test), I can’t imagine the strength it takes to be a parent of a child with illness, let alone cancer.  I follow this family regularly because for some reason, this little girl holds a special place in my heart.  As I read today’s update, the post strikes a chord in me as she talks about sleeping with her little girl: “So we just take it all in.  When Josh and I sleep with Carmela every night,  I breathe in her beautiful essence all night and hope that its always there, its so special and powerful.”  I’m an absolute mess and I’m sure you can see why.

I’ve been praying for weeks now, to have God bless my son with the strength and independence to sleep on his own.  Some people laugh at me and say, “He’ll never remember this, so just do it already or you’ll be sorry!”  My husband had night terrors when he was younger and sees the fear in our son’s eyes during his episodes.  It brings back memories he’d rather not think of and he doesn’t want our baby to feel the way that he did; scared and alone.  He doesn’t even like the swaddle and sees it as some form of torture.  Today, my prayers seem selfish and ridiculous.  I know independence will eventually come for my little one and I will wish it never had.  I often cherish the days and need to cherish these nights too.  So, for now, I’m going to pull my little guy close to me every night, breathe deep and thank God that He sent him to me.  Then, I’ll say a prayer for Carmela and her mommy, in the hopes that they can sleep together each night for many more years to come. 

Carmela's CaringBridge page